anxiety attacks and so much more.

2011-09-12T01:02:00.002+08:00

in this day and age, we find ourselves staring into a screen of a screen of a screen after screen after screen and peering out of a screen of a screen of a screen after screen after screen.

how grim.

Jimmy Eat World 23 Live

2011-07-13T03:23:00.000+08:00

2011-07-06T14:24:00.002+08:00

where do all these conclusive thoughts stem from, i wonder.

BOOKS TO READ BEFORE I DIE:

- Eckhart Tolle

- A Clockwork Orange; Anthony Burgess

- The Day of the Locust; Nathanael West

- A Death in the Family; James Agee

- Dog Soldiers; Robert Stone

- The Great Gatsby; F. Scott Fitzgerald

- Watchmen; Alan Moore & Dave Gibbons

2011-06-29T23:01:00.004+08:00

in all honesty, the toughest trick one can ever hope to master is the ability to bottle up emotions and whatever nonsensical hindering whatives(what-ifs) that embrace themselves so tightly to life-altering deadlocks, drop-kick em' down a bottomless pit, and never hear from em' again. no not ever nor a haunting glimmer.

the next best trick, is the ability to stand firm on yer own two feet. not sway to the likes of winds borne from ill witted motives and feeble minds.

the monks are kicking-ass at it. but... i'd like to think, they're having it a whole lot easier than us normal folks. we surround ourselves with god-damnable things; all they have are their mountain goats.

fuck la.

all things green and good are going byebye.

2011-06-14T01:54:00.005+08:00

i think.. i can no longer tell the difference between how i actually feel and how i should feel. human interaction is starting to seem familiarly... alien (oxymoron!) now. i constantly catch myself in mid-sentence, spouting words i don't really mean.

sometimes, i wonder if i really feel at all. how then, will i fare if i were to face another life-altering trial?

what. the. fuck. this is weakness. i need to stop going through motion.

maybe something needs changing.

yes yes. change is good. change is needed.

Chet Baker - Time After Time

2011-05-24T01:42:00.001+08:00

"so what gives?" i asked.

"i don't know," i replied.

"you think we'd ever see the end of it?"

"nah. not ever. pity. no one's gettin thru this vaulted door."

"uh huh," i nodded.

maslow, herzberg, adams, mintzberg, taylor, ford, freud...

why'd you guys get all the good ones? damn yous.

2011-05-03T21:52:00.002+08:00

"i fought them all off just to hold you close and tight"

2011-04-26T01:12:00.003+08:00

i swear, i was lying in bed just about ready to fall asleep, when somehow, my mind drifted into a -wonder- and i felt as if i just had to archive this somewhere. twitter's got it's 140-letter limit, and fb is just... where i maintain a shallow existence. i've been struck by this kinda bewilderment several times already, and relating any of this to another sentient being makes me feel... well. pretty dumb. here goes:

"isn't it a wonder how, if you put your dormant human mind to ponder, how magical all this actually is? imagine; science tells us that we're made up of many tiny particles, atoms, electrons, neutrons, and how these less than micro organisms or elements, not visible to our naked-eye, amass to make up our every sinew, muscle, organ and membrane, and how the command centre that is our human brain, signals our every limb making our body act and function in clock-work simultaneity, right? it is this exact phenomenon; the biology of man that gives birth to thought. so yea. i think it's damn right frickin impossible! it's god-like! then you let your mind wander some more and you suddenly realise we're just part of a grander scheme. we're barely a fraction of a billion-over puzzle piece. we will serve our purpose. and we will return to where we hence came from."

well, that's all. good night.

2011-03-09T12:22:00.008+08:00

i yawned, slowly dragging in the chilly breeze. the tinge of sea-salt peppered in the breeze was very slight. looking up, the morning sun was peering through the canopy of coconut trees. i shut my eyes, adjusting my senses. tuning in to the familiar sound; the rise and fall of the coming tide. with the soft warmth of the sun on my face, the sea breeze in my hair and toes in the sand, i thought to myself;

this is paradise.

i looked out to the sea. the waves didn't seem that big. nothing i thought i couldn't handle. although, the waves were more frequent, and i guess had more power then the ones i experienced in bali. no worries. the boards ally had with him were about the same length as the ones we had in bali. i was pretty disappointed. i wanted to try a smaller board, but hey, i'm still just a noob. right?

i knelt on one knee. the sand was pretty coarse. and strapped on the velcro to my right ankle and adjusted the leash. i was nervous. jittery all over; like a little kid. "calm down kal. it's gonna be just like bali".

i stood up, picked up the board and tucked it under my right arm. i paused at the water's edge, easing up my muscles in anticipation for the paddling that was to come. i took a deep breathe, and i said to myself; welcome home, kal.

- memoirs of siargao,
1st march 2011,
cloud 9, gen. luna (siargao island, philippines)

2011-03-08T10:22:00.003+08:00

good morning haikal.

today, you are going to be a better person than you were yesterday or the days that came before that. you have no power to control what happened in the past nor what's coming for you in the future.

you will give it your all, not because you only live once.. but because you deserve to try, just like everyone else.

true human goodness, in all its purity and freedom, can come to the fore only when its recipient has no power.
-Milan Kundera

2011-03-07T00:06:00.002+08:00

1. When you're angry say nothing.
2. Be indifferent to those who seek to anger you.
3. Use reason to stop anger.
4. Look kindly upon others.
5. Value peace more than anger.
6. Always try to understand those who are crossed.
7. Focus on something entirely different.
8. Breathe deeply.
9, Meditation.
10. Smile.

2011-02-17T12:21:00.001+08:00

"life is made up of phases, hopes and alot of deluded thoughts. but we get by just fine."

2011-01-31T21:38:00.003+08:00

sunday, i went out with ma, kin and ika. we had dinner. we talked alot of issues, most of which revolved around our family's finances. kin made a comment about how unhappy we are now. at that instance, i felt angry. not for what she said, but for how i've been. so full of resentments. day in day out, i ask myself why, when all i shouldve done was to take hold of my life and just live it, not just for me, but also for the people i claim to love. dont get me wrong. i evaluate myself alot. way too much i think. i beat myself about. alotta whys and shit. i am grateful, most days, for what i have, the person im turning out to be.

ive listened to alot of people, these past few months. gone on about my new-found faith in absurdist philosophy. i have discovered things i detest about myself. but i will embrace it whole-heartedly. life; it is boundless. the more you learn, the less you know. humility counts for alot but pride and ego, they get you going. i'm always bitter about something. i consciously remind myself that i'm undeserving. that there are alotta souls out there having it alot more tough than i do. but do i? honestly? to say that at the core of it, we're all selfish mortals, it's too conclusive and generic. the fact of the matter is that, we lack the capacity to comprehend the suffering of another. simply put, i think we survive each day holding on to all manner of stereotypes and assumptions just so we're kept in check because, above-all-else, we fear change. we long for acceptance/validation.

how then, does one go on to improve oneself? to be a more wholesome existance? to be more giving? i wish i knew. i wish i fucking knew.

2011-01-25T02:14:00.001+08:00

i wake up each morning feeling defeated. and the only way i deal, is by being angry.

why is that?

2010-12-24T11:42:00.002+08:00

numero-
uno: stop worrying
dos: stop wondering
tres: stop wishing
cuatro: stop whining
cinco: stop waiting

2010-12-14T07:19:00.002+08:00

at times, i forget the reason why i left in the first place. but when i thought real long and hard, i made sense of my actions and it takes me back to square one.

the equation has to balance. if it doesnt, you're bound for failure. equity theory.
it's 7.30am and i fucked myself over, yet again.

i plan to get far away from this place soon. real soon.

2010-12-13T18:41:00.002+08:00

i amaze myself with the amount of bullshit i spout each day. and it seems, that my words actually do matter. i'm that convincing?

i need someone to tell me i'm wrong and shut my trap. cos the way this is going, i'm turning out to be one smug little fucker.

so full of conviction. fucking hypocrite.

2010-12-04T03:45:00.002+08:00

each night, when i'm all tucked into bed, the bitter old, resentful sentiments come creeping into the crevices of my withered heart.

and the cycle continues.
fuck.

2010-11-21T17:25:00.007+08:00

would it even be marginally possible to be rejecting nihilism? it's a sunday afternoon and i am bored outta my mind. and so i wiki-ed, while consciously reminding myself not to take in too much of whatever i'm reading. everything in moderation aye.

excerpts from the wiki:

Absurdism.
the notion of the Absurd contains the idea that there is no meaning to be found in the world beyond what meaning we give to it. this meaninglessness also encompasses the amorality or "unfairness" of the world. this contrasts with "karmic" ways of thinking in which "bad things don't happend to good people"; to the world, metaphorically speaking, there is no such thing as a good person or a bad thing; what happens happens, and it may just as well happen to a "good" person as to a "bad" person.

in philosophy, "the Absurd" refers to the conflict between the human tendency to seek inherent meaning in life and the human inability to find any. in this context absurd does not mean "logically impossible", but rather "humanly impossible". the universe and the human mind do not each separately cause the Absurd, but rather, the Absurd arises by the contradictory nature of the two existing simultaneaously.

Absurdism therefore, is a philosophical school of thought stating that the efforts of humanity to find inherent meaning will ultimately fail (and hence are absurd), because no such meaning exists, at least in relation to the individual.

because of the world's absurdity, at any point in time, anything can happen to anyone, and a tragic event could plummet someone into direct confrontation with the Absurd.

in absurdist philosophy, the Absurd arises out of the fundamental disharmony between the individual's search for meaning and the apparent meaninglessness of the universe. as beings looking for meaning in a meaningless world, humans have three ways of resolving the dilemma.

- suicide (or, "escaping existence"): a solution in which a person simply ends one's own life. both kierkegaard and camus dismiss the viability of this option. camus states that it does not counter the Absurd, but only become more absurd, to end one's own existence.

- religious, spiritual or abstract belief in a transcendent realm, being or idea: a solution in which one believes in the existence of a reality that is beyond the Absurd, and as such, has meaning. kierkegaard stated that a belief in anything beyond the Absurd requires a non-rational but perhaps necessary religious acceptance in such an intagible and empirically unprovable thing (now commonly referred to as a "leap of faith"). however, camus regarded this solution, and others, as "philosophical suicide".

- acceptance of the Absurd: a solution in which one accepts the Absurd and continues to live in spite of it. camus endorsed this solution, believing that by accepting the Absurd, one can achieve absolute freedom, and that by recognizing no religious or other moral constraints and by revolting agains the Absurd while simultaneously accepting it as unstoppable, one could possibly be content from the personal meaning constructed in the process. kierkegaard, on the other hand, regarded thsi solution as "demoniac madness". "he rages most of all at the thought that eternity might get it into its head to take his misery from him!"

well. i pick the third option.

2010-11-19T02:05:00.002+08:00

browsing online portals of the countless miserable souls, brings about a realization. how much of us are made up of borrowed words, carefully constructed criticism?

cos somehow, it seems that everyone is on and about, whining about some immaterial affliction. yet we're so quick to point fingers and feign ignorance. we blame it on being human. oh how we love the drama and thrive on self-indulgence.

but what bugs me the most, is that... i'm just one among the many. so why, i wonder.

2010-11-16T00:21:00.001+08:00

i will be the change.

2010-11-15T00:46:00.008+08:00

i'm a mish-mesh of incoherant thoughts,
i deny and lie when i get caught.
i'm full of cheap excuses and 'it's okay'.
'i don't give a damn', it's what i'd say.

i think i'm nice, well i pretend
i act like it, but i condescend
i pride myself in my 101 theories
beat myself down with my split personalities

i let my moods run my day

i procrastinate, all i do is play

i always wonder and i regret

i tell myself 'it's done!', but i don't forget

i read up on shit like 'Existential Nihilsm'
i mess my friends' minds with my pessimism
i say there is no point in this life or the next
i agree with Freud, we in it for sex

i convince myself too well, too much
i disapprove of love and such
i think 'love' does not exist
i see it everywhere, but i persist

i think 'love' is just a word created
to make all this shit sound sophisticated
i swear i think it's a load of bull
i think 'love' is/are for fucked-up fools.

first thing's first, a girl meets guy
all is well and both are fucking shy
everyday is just like a sweet dream
time passes so quickly, or so it seems

these two learn more about each other
of each other's habits, sooner or later
habits both won't like, but they keep mum
well, they don't know that silence will do harm

both earn cavities in their respective hearts
they both get hurt, sustain superficial cuts
this goes on for a near eternity or until
one of them breaksdown and spill.

the harsh reality of being in a relationship
is thrust to their faces, it'll shut their lips
henceforth, heaven on earth and all that's well
will, enevitably turn to living-hell.

more lies are told, it will come to pass
creates deeply anchored animosity and distrust
it will reach a point when one starts to wonder
was there a point? at all? to love another?

i know, i know, i really hate to admit
i'm just bitter, but i won't succumb to defeat
i abide by my self-formulated principles and theories
i'm losing this self-imposed battle, but i insist.

it's 3.25 in the am right now
i still cant get to bed somehow.
i've run out of words and rhyme
guess.. i'll write again some other time.

2010-10-25T01:12:00.003+08:00

i constantly tell myself that there are people out there without a mother or a father. no roof over their heads. some barely have the enough to live another day, bring food to the table, to feed their kids. diseases. floods. bombings. strikes. hate. murders. abuse. there are people out there dying. no means to earn a living. some never knew love. others lost the ones they hold dear.

serves as a reminder as to how insignificant my troubles are. pales in comparison. in short, i fuck myself over by wondering about the things that, probably, will never ever ever affect me in any way. and ironically, i end up feeling even more messed up.

a bad habit? maybe. i wanna go back to giving without expecting anything in return. my heart used to be warm and full of that thing we call 'love'. now it's all hollow and full of hate. my world is a cold and dark place, but it's the only one i've got.

oh well. this world's gonna crash and burn someday anyway. in the mean time, i'll just make do.

2010-10-21T23:19:00.002+08:00

i started a joke
which started the whole world crying
but i didn't see
that the joke was on me

i started to cry
which started the whole world laughing
oh if i'd only seen
that the joke was on me

i looked at the skies
running my hands over my eyes
and i fell out of bed
hurting my head
from the things that i'd said

till i finally died
which started the whole world living
oh if i'd only seen
that the joke was on me

2010-09-30T02:08:00.001+08:00

now. given the chance, i wonder what i would say to the 17-year-old me.

2010-09-24T00:14:00.002+08:00

grim
- adjective, grim.mer, grim.mest.
1. stern and admitting of no appeasement or compromise.

this is how i feel each day. lately, i find that i have to consciously conjour up my emotions so that i appear more genuine. haaah.

someday, in a future brighter than ours, everyone will stop and listen with their hearts.

and that, is my idea of a perfect world.

2010-09-02T21:55:00.002+08:00

haikal, here's a list of your short-term (i.e. 2011) realistic goals:

1) be a consistant student
2) gilera dna 180 (black)
3) savings
4) post exams: internship at a major investment bank

time to get your life back on track. matters of the heart should never matter.

and this will serve as a reminder.

time to man-up or shut-up.

2010-09-01T07:36:00.001+08:00

i ran out of avenues to let out my frustrations and anguish.

do something.

2010-08-19T22:52:00.004+08:00

"Tragedy is the greatest art form of all. It gives us the courage to continue with our life by exposing us to the pain of life. It is unsentimental, it takes us seriously as human beings, it is not condescending. Paradoxically, by seeing pain, we are made greater, it becomes a need."
- Howard Barker

and with this, I know I am changed.

2010-08-12T00:30:00.009+08:00

i didn't sign up for this. i really did not. every move i'm taking isn't the right one. i'm still stuck. in a rut and this heart still beats and aches the same way it did 6months ago. this is weakness. i asked for this, that i know but i never thought it'd drag on for this long. i was/am convinced that this is what i need. somehow, i can feel my steely resolution dwindling and becoming doodoo. she's going all out to cut me off and i swear i will not do a thing about it. this was what you wanted all along right kal?

i think i need to talk to kin to sort stuff out. it has been a while since we had htht, brother to sister. well, i never knew kin had tumblr. something she posted hit home today.

"i've realized that you can spend your whole life hoping to change other people or win their approval, or you can just change yourself and live your own life exactly how you'd want it to be, away from the eyes of everyone else. for some absurd, nonsensical, almost incredulous reason, a reason that i wasn't even aware of at every time, i keep harping on moments that completely don't matter anymore because they're all just so trivial."

funny thing is.. i've always seen kin as the epitomy of irrationality and rashness. oh how the tables have turned now. i need someone to be my voice of reason. cos i beat myself up daily, in hopes that it might make me a better man. but all i'm becoming is a bitter and more grim version of how i envisioned myself to be. this can't be right. =/

and with a heavy heart, the cycle continues.

2010-08-09T13:26:00.002+08:00

i need to take a trip back. back to when this contagion was still just a fleeting emotion.

fucking get a grip, fool.

2010-08-07T20:00:00.003+08:00

love is a fabricated lie
we've been fed with
from the day we were born
and till the day we die.

2010-08-05T10:04:00.005+08:00

you're all i see these days,
but you're so far away.
this dream is never ending.
you're falling through my broken mind.
i've been caught up this time.
finally showing some passion.
these shattered eyes
have broken on the thought of leaving you,
but i must go

inside my heart, i'm aching.
spent time on
others faking.
you've stolen my heart
and trapped my mind.
i'm giving in to you.
i'm lost again.
i see there is no difference.
we're still alone.

something's strange in me.
i feel the same for you,
but there is no difference.
we're still alone.
there is no need in crying.
there is no need in dying.
it makes no difference.
we're still alone.
;rufio - follow me

2010-08-01T12:42:00.003+08:00

i feel like a kid, left to his own devices.
with a box of matches.

this entry was alot longer. same old blog same old problem. typetypetype pour out heart and soul, then in the end it all seems stupid aand deletedeletedelete. =/
i'm indecisive like that.

i saw this advert online. some stupid self-help website and the ad had this tag-line. went something like 'what are you made of?' and below it you were supposed to type all the positive adjectives or descriptive words about yourself. was tempted to type but. I couldnt think of many.

confident? but it borders on being cocky. or so she used to say. even so, where the hell does it all come from i wonder. cos in my honestest of honest opinion, i think i lack substance. alot of empty-talk. wayang only. creativity? haha resourceful? witty? nice? fuck it.

i think i listen well though. and as stupid or girly as it may sound.. i empathize well i think. way too well. wtf right. on the flip side, i was thinking about all the negativity which is haikal. damn alot. lazy, pessimistic, angsty, procrastinator, selfish, impulsive liar, stubborn, narcissistic, domineering, condescending, egoistic, blames-everybody-else-but-himself, an ingrate, moody, cocky for no reason, always-finding-stupid-excuses-to-vindicate-own-faults, unreliable, selfish.

tch. what the fuck am i doing.

and so, in the end, i'm still left with a considerably-lengthy entry which makes me sound like an absolute moron. then again, to write something, you have to risk making a fool of yourself, uh.

haikal, you are not deleting this entry. cos in order to keep up with the madness that is life, every once in a while, you gotta express your thoughts into words and archive it someplace; a reminder of how senseless and stupid this all could prove to be. someday.

there is this empty space in my chest i used to call my heart. and i miss you so.

2010-07-22T01:34:00.004+08:00

this place is filled with lotsa 'it's been a while's'

this is my list of bad-habits-i-should-try-cut-down-on

1) auto-pilot mode
2) lying instinctively
3) smoking
4) late nights
5) impulsive shopping
6) cussing
7) empty talk
8) AMOG-ing
9) feeling sorry for myself inecessantly
10) trampling on other ppl's egos
11) talking about myself
12) should haves, would haves, could haves
13) semangat 2minit.
14) being late for appointments
15) being too nice one moment and then nasty the next
16) playing good guy and bad guy
17) worrying about things that are probably never gonna affect me in any way

let's start small, slow and steady but surely.

2010-07-22T01:27:00.002+08:00

it could be simple as pie. i have it in me to just switch off, and go into auto-pilot mode. no wait. i AM on auto-pilot.

welcome back, apathy.

and so
i'm 22 dont know what i'm supposed to do.
or how to be to get some more out of me.
i'm 22 so far away from all my dreams.
i'm 22. 22 feeling blue.

2010-07-17T18:02:00.001+08:00

this is a weakness.

2010-07-02T01:13:00.001+08:00

day 3.

move on kal. come on.

2010-06-29T21:16:00.000+08:00

work was =/

so is it day 2 yet..?

2010-06-29T04:02:00.003+08:00

i dont wanna be influenced by sappy love songs or catchy phrases.

major lne.

this is day 1.

2009-07-09T02:24:00.004+08:00

why is self-pity such a loathsome sentiment?

2009-07-06T16:46:00.002+08:00

why do you constrict me so

their flight just got delayed.

2009-03-19T00:00:00.001+08:00

we didn't get to complete a single map of L4D today.

19moretoursORDoh!

day 1

2009-02-25T15:25:00.003+08:00

hi babe. it's been awhile huh. i was just wondering.. have i changed? we've been together for like what..? 5years? i know i'm probably different now from how i was like.. 2 years ago? i was going through this blog and all my past entries. it shames me a little reading my past thoughts. fucking childish. haha..

5 years huh. you wanna know my biggest fear? its when one day i realise that i've stop feeling. you know? i used to get mad, sad and depressed so easliy. these days, i feel like i've numbed.

so yea. i know you''ve stopped viewing this blog. ít's been dead for a while. aah. well.. in case you chance upon this entry.

i love you.

2009-02-25T15:16:00.003+08:00

this place lacks colour.

2007-02-20T20:51:00.000+08:00

it's all back to square one. where you don't know shit. you don't know who to believe anymore. even that jiminy cricket at the back of your mind; you don't know him anymore. the people around you.. they don't know shit. and even when you try voice your opinions, you risk sounding like a moron. it's got 'go-fuck-yourself' written all over it.

you keep still and silent hoping it'll all work out by itself. but the truth of the matter is that, it never gets any better than this. this is the harsh truth. you don't have the power, nothing changes. no will power, nothing changes.

you left it out too long. it has become a habit which seems impossible to break. 'familiarity breeds contempt'. ever heard of that phrase? yes. its applicable in more ways than one. and all i wish i could do now is not give a fucking damn.

god-damned world.

2007-02-06T23:35:00.000+08:00

she makes me feel like its raining outside
and when the storms gone i'm all torn up inside.

2006-12-13T01:23:00.000+08:00

let's take a boat out on the bay

forget your job for just one day

i wish it didn't have to be so bad

and i'll be

moving on

moving on

moving on and on and on

i wish it didn't have to be so bad

2006-10-27T19:50:00.000+08:00

i was wondering

in xmen movies

how come

i never see any fat or ugly mutants on the good side?

remember

the scene with archangel spreading his wings oh-so-majestically?

yes.

now. imagine a fat kid doing that.

hurhurhur.

SELAMAT HARI RAYA

MAAF ZAHIR DAN BATIN

2006-09-15T00:55:00.000+08:00

it's funny how when you're caught up in a stressful situation, blink songs seem to start playing at the back of your head.

it's coming to the end of week 3 of attachment. everything's ok i guess. already familiar with the place and the people. but going to office at 8.30 in the AM, on top of being the only intern student there, really just.. makes me feel dumb. apart from filing documents and cleaning up the office area, i've become a regular visitor to en.wikipedia.org. wow.

..another 41-working days to go..

alone.. hur.

oh ya. did you know Pluto is no longer classified as one of the '9 planets'(including Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune) orbiting the Sun?
apparently, it's orbital-patterns are irregular (unlike those of the other 8 planets) and they (the International Astronomical Union - IAU) decided that Pluto was too small to be catagorised as a 'planet'. Pluto has subsequently been catogorised as a 'dwarf-planet'.

read it up on en.wikipedia.org.

i'm too cute to be emo.

2006-08-26T22:02:00.000+08:00

so monday attachment begins...

things to do list:

1) quit smoking
2) psyche myself for my coming attachment
3) start jogging religiously, work out and get that oh-so-hot-bod i've always dreamt of
4) quit smoking
5) paint my room during the weekends once attachment begins
6) get the rest of 12kingdoms vcds
7) complete my ff8
9) set a dental appointment
10) quit spinelli
11) quit smoking
12) save up on an mp3
13) get my new-old printer to work
14) sleep early from now on
16) grow hair (on my head. the one above)
17) grow an inch down below
18) quit smoking
19) alter all my pants
20) wash my berms
21) get more boxers
22) get more sockes
23) send my watches for repair
24) quit smoking
25) quit smoking

2006-08-25T17:30:00.000+08:00

so would i be out of line

if i said

i miss you.

2006-08-09T04:52:00.000+08:00

inhale.exhale.inhale.exhale.inhale.exhale.inhale.exhale.inhale.exhale.inhale.exhale.
words to describe how i feel: sad despondent meloncholic dejected gloomy down depressed.

current thoughts: you know, my last post was on the first day of year 3. the current term's coming to an end. it has been rather... taxing, with the projects and all. so you might be thinking.. heck, you might be thinking alotta dumb shit.. as i was saying, you might be thinking, wtf moved me to post an entry on this oh-so-forsaken-sad-and-pathetic-excuse for a blog... the past two months, seldom got any quiet time alone. so here i am.

maybe you're wondering (maybe not), what's gotten into me lately (or more specifically, what have i been up to lately). i don't know. i think.. i don't have a peace of mind. i'd force myself to stay awake no matter how tired i may be every night. i found that i've been cussing a whole lot more than before. constantly discontented with myself. hur. no peace of mind. i'm sure it's bcos i've been slacking off on my prayers. so sure of it.

so exams are coming up. 3 sets of papers to sit for. let's hope i'll do well and pull up my GPA by 1. BAH. wtfwtfwtf.

let's take a boat out on the bay
forget your job for just one day
i wish it didn't have to be so bad

RAAAAHHH !!!!!

2006-05-02T02:05:00.000+08:00

my body clock has gone haywire.
i'm a couple of hours away from the start of a new semester.

i think i'm gonna be late for class.

2006-03-07T20:52:00.000+08:00

consider this;
you're free-falling. there is not an ounce of light. there is no beginning to your fall, nor an end. you can't even tell which way is up, which way down. and yet you know you're falling because of the wind rushing up from beneath you, the air brushing against your skin, it's cold. you feel your body plummeting, all the adrenalin pumping to your veins. you reach out to grab on to something to stop your fall. all you manage to grasp is air. your mind fails to register a single thought. but you feel it. the fall. gravity. and your senses tell you, this is the end. you know; your fate is sealed. 'this is it'. for the longest time possible, almost for an eternity, you fall. 'this is it'. and then just when you begin to feel a sense of foreboding, having given up hope and succumbed to the inevitable... just as suddenly as you were sent declining down this bottomless pit... you're stopped. there was no impact. there was no pain. you're not falling anymore. then.. you realise that you're not standing on solid ground either. in fact, you're not even standing at all. 'where am i'. still engulfed in darkness.

you're caught in suspension.

2006-02-17T20:33:00.000+08:00

holy shit i'm turning nineteen this year.

2006-01-27T23:23:00.000+08:00

NYP:

Floorball Champions

Institute-Varsity-Polytechnics

2005/06

YAY!!!! =))))

2005-12-24T01:20:00.000+08:00

i must be simple-minded.

or maybe.

i'm just too complicated. blowing-things-out-of-proportion

i cant decide.

either way, this is turning out to be yet another shitty entry.

i dont get you. nono. you i mean. yup. you.

was your day thaaat fun that you go to the extent of typing out a onethousand word entry?

my days basically revolve around school, work, internet and sleep.

lousy routine.

so. thanks for dropping by and taking time off to read this.

please come again. =/

edit;

ohoh. btw. my stopover supervisor is super nice.
ms. ming is kind, understanding and full of encouragement.
she is able to emphatize with the students under her charge.
(please give me an A grade if u happen to stumble upon my oh-so-mundane blog)
=D

i miss crm cc2 already. i'll be missing 2 whole days of dota maaan... ='(

2nd edit;

it's our 23rd. =)

2005-12-21T09:32:00.000+08:00

CRM CC2 is the dead-est place i've ever ever ever ever set my foot upon.

thank you.

2005-11-28T22:52:00.000+08:00

caught off guard

all worked up

the air is as dark n cold as night

let me go

i'm not done

i swear i'll take just one life time

and i

i wont lie

i wont sin

maybe i dont wanna go

cant you wait

maybe i dont wanna go

i should've asked

i could've helped

at least a fucking thousand times before

will this offer get me in

or will this prove that they give more

and i
i wont lie
i wont sin
maybe i dont wanna go
cant you wait
maybe i dont wanna go

;Letters to God - boxcar racer

2005-11-16T00:52:00.000+08:00

Date: 15 November 2005

To: Muhammad Haikal

Admin No.: 043263B

EM & RS - TEP WARNING LETTER

BM0084 - INTEGERATED TEACHING ENTERPRISE PRACTICES &
DEVELOPMENT

The regulations of working in TEP, in particular the prohibition of playing games (including ball games) on TEP Project Rooms and premises, have been highlighted to you many times since the beginning of your TEP attachment. These regulations are also stated clearly in the Project Room and the TEP e-learning website.

However, you have chosen to ignore EM & RS - TEP's instructions and you were found playing with a football outside B108 on 11 November 2005 at about 10.00 a.m. Due to your negligent action, the glass to the fire extinguisher located outside B108 broke and would have to be replaced.

This letter serves as a warning for your non-compliance of EM & RS - TEP's rules. Please be reminded that you may fail the practical module should you persist in failing to observe the rules and regulations of TEP.

Ms Tan Peck Khim
Supervisor, EM & RS

2005-11-09T22:38:00.000+08:00

this officially makes it the 58th time i'm trying to blog.

i cant think/comeup of/with anything to say.

fuck la.

ohOh. get this:

for once in my life,

i actually think i'm enjoying school.

=/

yeaaa...

2005-10-31T01:20:00.000+08:00

i'm kinda missing punk rock.

anybody wanna start a band with a lousy bassist (i.e. me)?

i need a lead, a rythm and a drummer.

and someone who has a great voice too.

so we can go alternative and not worry about having a lousy voice.

tag me if you're interested.

so give me novacaine...

2005-10-28T18:35:00.000+08:00

now i lay me down to sleep,

i pray the lord my soul to keep.

with five little angles round my bed,

one to the foot and one to the head.

one to please and one to pray,

one to take my soul away.

and should i die before i wake,
make me satan's incarnate.

2005-10-07T13:07:00.000+08:00

i'm flying off to australia.

wont be back till october the 17th.

2005-09-22T13:49:00.000+08:00

think i'll rename my heart, the calendar

cause it'll surely know just when to end

and i've been looking at you through the telephone

as the photograph whispers that she isn't even home

so alone, i bleed myself right in

unusual here breathing

inviting the silence

but you're not here, you're nowhere near at all

just skin and atmosphere

and if it's not what you wanted, better get out now

alone it takes me, underneath it'll surely break me

underneath these things

twenty some years my parents let themselves leave

i always swore that would never, ever be me

and now you're looking at me through a new lens

your voice on the end doesn't understand anything, nor do i

paper cuts for me

prove me wrong, i want you to prove me wrong

;36crazyfists - skin and atmosphere

2005-09-21T19:58:00.000+08:00

hi.
it's been a while.

so maybe you've heard about the recent on-goings(if you haven't, look it up http://newpaper.asia1.com.sg/news/story/0,4136,94646,00.html). 3 'bloggers' charged under the Sedition Act for racist remarks. Nicholas Lim Yew, 25, and Benjamin Koh Song Huat, 27 and Gan Huai Shi, 17, a private school student(poor bastards).

just like you, I have no idea what was said or how 'racist' the comments made by the first two felons were. (i mean, no offence, but what do you expect, right?) this is singapore. lacking transparency. the government refrains from discussing 'sensitive' issues out in the light of day. anyone beg to differ...? but hey, this doesn't mean that it's entirely bad. so long as there's peace and everyone's happy, then they must be doing a good job, right..? (yes. i know. i'm digressing..)

now, this third guy, the 17 year-old, i've read the articles on his blog(both his blogs) before. the stuff he says there are extreme. they go beyond the boundaries of so-called 'racist' remarks or jokes(as i'm sure most of you who have read it would agree..). and i heard he's from a private school? i thought so. (i do hope he wasn't a josephian. touchwood.).

this is what i think; more established(independent) schools cultivate unhealthy and warped mentalities/beliefs. no, i'm not blaming it on the school. it's just the way it is. somehow. it's become a culture. they(the students) think it's ok to make racist comments or crack racist jokes in light of the targetted minor. everyone's calling everyone a 'mat' or 'ahneh'. influence. i should know. i was in one.

maybe this kid, Ah Gan, brought things a little too far. by starting a blog filled with prejudicial matter-of-fact kind of statements. created a stir, etc, etc... just for kicks. and now, he's landed himself in deep-shit. haha. that's quite funny really.

edit;

hmm.

all i have to say is that:

rich/educated kids = rotten grown-ups.

2005-08-22T15:56:00.000+08:00

my middlename should be accident.

today, at work... i learnt the importance of having a properly functioning left thumb. yes. thumb. i sliced my thumb at work today. nothing serious really.. except...

with a cut on my left thumb, i'm unable to...

..hold on to my ps2 console properly, much less, press the buttons...
..type fast...
..type my smses rapidly...

BUT most importantly..

..i cant..

ah well..

let your imagination run wild aye..

2005-08-13T22:36:00.000+08:00

anguish; suffering ; torment; agony; torture; pain; distress; grief; sorrow; angst.

what a load of crap.

emo's gained popularity;

numetal is phasing out;

core music's the new black

(and pretty soon it'll be pop.)

this fucks shit up.

bloody pussies.

termites floorball club beat sp(or was it np?) squirrels 5-2.

maybe i need to get away from it all.

this sick feeling. so familiar. i've felt it before.

who am i kidding. i'm fine. bahaha. emo.poseur.must.type.like.this.

edit;

i change my mind. i hate too many words on plain black screens.

especially not on blogs. hardcore bloggers should just die.

i'm not included. i'll disappear soon once more for yet another lengthy period of time.

hypocrite.

2005-08-08T02:27:00.000+08:00

i found this amusing. ha. ha.
laugh with me. -_-.

2005-08-06T13:59:00.000+08:00

i don't blog.
about my daily routines. about what happens today. about what happened yesterday. or about what's gonna happen tomorrow.

i don't blog.
about my reflections. feelings. emotions. maybe a bit. not much i think. i think.

i don't blog.
to give anyone anything to ponder on. or to sound wise.

i don't blog.
to bitch about other people. nor to de-fame anyone.

so.
why even bother having a blog?
i don't know.

i just happen to like seeing manymany typed out words against a plain black screen.
the words don't have to make sense.
there will be no introductions.
without a build-up no climax.
beginning nor end.

they don't have to contain profound wordsadverbspronouns or proper grammar.
they're just mumblejumble-ed up words. phrases which don't fit into paragraphs.
words which don't link up sentences.
random?
i don't know.

wanna know what i think?
i think that random is a blue word.
HELP is blue too.
Ambulance is white.
SMILE! has always been pink.

and fuckoff. is black.

it's what i think.

2005-08-05T01:00:00.000+08:00

today, i laughed at myself the hardest...in a very long time.

it hit me right smack in my face

the enemey which ne'er could i trace.

this creature was blasphemouse. full of sin

she wore a lamb's coat.her eyes..were green.

foul-play.out-play.

so in dismay.

i'm dead and gone.

i. am. torn.

wake me up when it's passed me by

minor set-backs? heartaches? again...?! ..i'll try.

dear, dear brother. it IS too late. they've started messing with your head.

2005-07-30T14:33:00.000+08:00

hi there.

haven't heard from you in a while. exams next week right? well, good luck. you'll need plenty of it. got yourself a brand new computer aye? don't let it be too much of a distraction. also heard you're floorball tournament has commenced? good luck with that as well. hope you're doing fine. hahaha... you look terrible, the state you're in. i pity you. wouldn't wanna be you.

all the best;

kal.

It is nothing, really, merely the feeling of skin stretched upon too many needles. It hurts. Always have. Take this soreness away. I have no need of it

2005-05-16T14:38:00.000+08:00

your pained looks petrify me

my sinful angel, lady of sorrow

this weeping smile

makes fake tears seem so real

and nothing comes close to nothing.

knowing what love is 6 feet underground

means more to me than anything

a toast to our timeless end, forever damned.

forever young.

till death do us part, my dear juliet.

;anonymous dead-note

2005-05-15T19:11:00.000+08:00

you captivated and destroyed

my angel of death, a timeless beauty with murderous intent

don't cast your eyes away, you did this

if you only knew, if you knew the irony of it all

and you believed me when i say

'this is the sight of true unhappiness'

don't turn away, don't.

i choked on my words, spilt blood from my lips

and new words are heard through my eyes

did you feel the fire that burnt my heart black?

tomorrow will end, tomorrow ends for you and i

never see the light of tomorrow, never.

trapped in a death-waltz

we're just tragedy in the making

with tonight, and the rest of our lives.

;anonymous dead-note

2005-05-15T10:33:00.000+08:00

i still fucking need a computer.

fucking hell.

2005-04-21T00:43:00.000+08:00

the school term's already begun. a year 2 student now. already assigned projects and whatnot.

wow.

back to my old fuck-this-shit-blogging-is-gay-and-i-dont-have-much-to-blog-about self.
feeling angst-y alot recently. reasons. so from now on, expect the usual random updates and pointless ramblings. expect less 'deep-and-emo' entries. in the mean time..here's another song:

A Song For A Broken Heart(AStaticLullaby)

take this for what its worth,

this song...my smile.

i write to you from hell my song leaving the foot against the gas

and the wall that must have said your name

weaken you from nothing you can say can stop this now

would a noose replace his lips?

can a song replace a broken heart?

can a song replace a broken love?

on the beach i remind myself

how holding hands is so powerless

tonight i dont even have the stars to hold on to.

paint this red

her picture will remain unbroken she cries tonight

"I fall in love"...

white beach tear away with sand paper

tonight i'm not alone

i just wanna get your fucking voice out of my head.

goodnight people.

2005-04-19T22:37:00.000+08:00

i remember when

my dreams were dying,

and i damned the sun,

i damned the sun to pieces,

i carved hateful thoughts

into my chest,

then you took my hand

and nothing has ever felt the same,

and nothing, has ever,

nothing has ever felt the same.

atreyu; a letter to someone like you.

2005-04-17T08:18:00.000+08:00

i heard somewhere, from someone that death is contagious.
been seeing lotsa funeral processions and hearing about loss of loved ones alot recently. human life. so fragile.

soo anywaaaay...
i just got home from eastcoast park. spent the whole night there talking cock with floorball guys after having a seafood dinner there.

and now i have to get ready to go melawat(visiting). my ma's collegue's father-in-law passed away.

i lack sleep. -_-.

2005-04-15T02:16:00.000+08:00

haha! my blog looks better with lotsa words on it.

i think...

2005-04-15T01:39:00.000+08:00

just got home. ya. i know i know... very early. some people gotta work kay. alamak. monday start school already. super sian. why is it that all my entries begin with 'complain-y' sentences? it's getting unoriginal, dont you think?

"so kal, talk to me. tell me how your day went."
oh. i woke up to a call this morning. it was my personal mentor, mr patrick chin. he called to remind me about the online registration thingy... i looked at my watch on the wall. it was already 9.45. i was suppose to be in school by 9am.... blahblahblah... and so when i reached school, the place was already crowded... blahblahblah... yes. and i finally got the time slots i wanted for my... blahblahblah...

boring.

basically, i dragged my ass to school at 10am to register for my modules this coming term(in case you're wondering how MY day went) and yes. my term begins NEXT week. i'm pretty sure i've got a screwed up time table. fridays, i've got a 6hr break before going for A 1HOUR lecture. the earliest i end is at 4. nono. not complaining... not complaining... i'm happy and contented. bah. -_-.

i think i'd better set a new term's resolution:

SKIP SCHOOL LESS.

TAKE THINGS MORE SERIOUSLY.

ACT MORE MATURE. ACT.

i'll come up with more as i go along. ok ok ok??

i'm gonna go shower now. goodmorning fellow morons.

2005-04-13T01:39:00.000+08:00

i need a hair cut.
again.
my whole body itches but i'm sooooooooo darn lazy to go shower. got home from work like 40mins ago and went straight online. blog-hopped and i started to wonder why people have so much to say on their blogs. how come i dont? all my entries since uh.. june 2004 are limited to short and abrupt paragraphs. i only mention the bare essentials. no detailed accounts of how my days went. nothing. do any of you read my sister's blog? go check it out. under my links. or just click here. she's insane i tell you. the amount of words in one single entry. i can just DIE reading. and such floweryy language. fwaaaaaah. overflowing with vocabulary. i bet there's probably, on average, about 5words i dont know the meaning to in every entry she's posted so far. super siao.

so anyway. the focus of this morning's entry: time flies.
seriously man. i swear i was still worrying about exams just last week. unbelievable. exams over. bm0412 class gathering at seoul gardens over. results out. supp paper over. and now i'm left with a few miserable days of my holiday before school commences. haiyaaaaah. damn maaah faaaarrnn. i feeling verrryy cheeenaa. lahlehlorhhormeh?
random. super random.
ya. school starts next week. i heard our time-tables are out already on cms. pain in the ass. how come my school so extra? we only get A MONTH of holidays, while other schools get a month+++. and i'm starting to sound like a brat.
ok. i've figured it out. i dont have much to complain about. maybe that's why i dont have much to say in my entries. either that or i just cant be bothered to type out. so why am i typing all these out now? i dont know. i just feel like it.

i dont like this entry. i sound self-centred. eeee.

ooooh.... they have coloured fontttsss.
i just found out.
slow i am.

okaaaay. i'm going to sleep now.
maybe tomorrow i'll read this entry again and decide to delete it.
haha. i sound stupid.
blogging. so gay. ok. no more long entries. just short and abrupt ones.
bleurrghr.

2005-04-06T02:25:00.000+08:00

results are out. as usual... barely scraped thru.
haha. lucky biatch.
HOWEVEER...
..i have to sit for supp paper.
bloody accounts.
whoever came up with that subject should die a thousand deaths.
(shut up you whine-er)
so. at least now i have something to do with the rest of my two pathetic weeks of holiday.
mug for a module which i have completely no interest in.
gah. soo maaaah faaaaarrrrn...

ok byee!

2005-03-27T18:43:00.000+08:00

so i had the weirdest dream last night.
i was in a reality tv programme.
but it wasnt like any of those you see on tv.
the reality tv show involved lotsa pornstars.
and i was one of them.
guy pornstar la.
it went something like...
the best pair of stars to come up with the best xxx scene
would win a million dollars.
can't exactly remember the details.
but for one... it definitely wasnt a wet dream.
honest.

so there you go.
something worth blogging about.
ok ppl.. start tagging.

=)

2005-03-20T11:43:00.000+08:00

exams over. free as a bird.

but now i have nothing to do.

anyone got a ps i can borrow???

2005-03-12T22:09:00.000+08:00

tch.
the net used to be so fun.
used to have so much do do online.
friendster laah..
hotmail laah..
neopets laah..
blogging laah..
messenger laah..

now no more kick.
only come online to ~~download~~ look for songs.
chat abit.
blahblahblah.
is my life thaaaat mundane?
nypnypnypwhyamiinnyp???
hmm.
wonder who's gonna employ me in the future.
ah yess..
i'll grow up and mature.
and be more level-headed.
right???
riggghhtt....???????
tch.
this is stupid.
blogging i mean.
at least i don't think guys should blog.
kinda gay.
hmm.
hypocrite.
i'm not talking to you anymore.

i'm hungry.
GAH!

2005-03-11T22:42:00.000+08:00

*cough cough cough cough cough cough*

SO ANNOYING.

just when i thought i've gotten better..

just when i thought i didn't need anymore medication..

..the coughing returns.

grrrr.

semi-pointless ramblings uh?

hmm.

*shrugs*

my life's filled with semi-pointless things.

oh. btw. (not that it matters much)

exams on monday.

YAY! so fun.

pain in the ass.

2005-03-08T00:15:00.000+08:00

statistical theory

microeconomics

principles of accounts

principles of management

shit.

so much to cover.

within the next 6days.

exams begin next monday.

on 4 consecutive days.

last paper on thursday.

gah.

bloody pain in the ass.

yuck.

more to come...

2005-03-01T12:19:00.000+08:00

i woke up today and realised that i had nothing..

17years-3months-15days old.

i'm ashamed of me.
too ashamed to even seek forgiveness from the almighty..
but then..they always say it's never too late to change right?
conscience is a weakness.
repent.
repent.
repent.

when?
how?
why?

haikal..
you're screwed up.

i miss her.

2005-02-27T11:42:00.000+08:00

boringboringboringboringboringboringboringboringboringboring
boringboringboringboringboringboringboringboringboringboring
boringboringboringboringboringboringboringboringboringboring
boringboringboringboringboringboringboringboringboringboring
boringboringboringboringboringboringboringboringboringboring
boringboringboringboringboringboringboringboringboringboring
boringboringboringboringboringboringboringboringboringboring
boringboringboringboringboringboringboringboringboringboring
boringboringboringboringboringboringboringboringboringboring
boringboringboringboringboringboringboringboringboringboring
boringboringboringboringboringboringboringboringboringboring
boringboringboringboringboringboringboringboringboringboring!!!!!!

GAH!

#(

2005-02-22T11:10:00.000+08:00

a couple of weeks to go before the start of my semestral exams. i guess i have no right to complain about being unprepared or how close the exams are cos i have be skipping class regularly. but what i don't get is... why-oh-why were we assigned projectS at the very last minute??

i'm experiencing one of those moments...

where you stare blankly at thin air; not focusing on anything material or physical; and yet you feel as if you're too preoccupied to attend to what really matters at present; when a moment feels like an eternity; and you have no idea where you are anymore...or where to go; when you suddenly feel so alone eventhough you're submerged in waves of human activity; when you know you ought to be someplace else and doing something useful...but then your limbs feel like lead and you just can't move; you're mind is shut. you feel distant...you're here when at the same instant you're not; when all you feel is disgust. at yourself for being so imperfect..

and then you suddenly realise that you're being too emo to be true.
then you'll start feeling stupid.

..heh.

but then again...life is made up of so many of those moments...right?
hmm.

2005-02-19T22:00:00.000+08:00

so what...
..if i'm young and so full of angst?
of the many things you've said,
there's even more that i detest.

i hate imperfection.
among many other abhorrent stuff...

2005-02-18T00:19:00.000+08:00

people reading other peoples' blogs and dissing them on their own blogs.

hohoho.

but i'm not much better off huh.

too funny.

some people are funny.

hmm.

lalalalala.

2005-02-07T01:23:00.000+08:00

bloody coincidence.
sanhow's the new part-timer at spinelli. novena. my store.
ooh.
was never really close to that guy though.
oh well.

what's been going on with my life right now?
nothing much to whine about. nothing exciting. nothing depressing. i'm getting kinda restless. day in, day out same routine. don't really have much to do these days. contemplated starting on my tutorials. but... as usual, gave up mid-way.

so how come other students at nyp seem to have damn happening lives?

i wonder..

it's as if they actually enjoy coming to school. they look as if they do. wtf.
why can't i be like them? bloody zombies.
stoopid stoooopid nyp. i might get debar-ed from sitting for management exam cos my attendence is screwed up. i hope i don't.
won't wanna be stuck in nyp for another 6months.
damn suay.
ok.

oh. btw, nyp floorball team trashed merridean jc's team during a friendly match last saturday. buahaha. ssh. full time score 7-1. we were actually kinda disappointed that we let a goal in.
how do you spell 'merridean' anyway?
we might be having another friendly this coming saturday. against ITE yishun. i think. the seniors say they're a damn good team.
yup.
so. if you're an nyp student, do come down and support. or something.
nono.
don't come down.
it'll be damn embarrassing if we lose.

ok. gotta.finish.up.project.
bye.

2005-02-01T20:05:00.000+08:00

2010hrs.
Internet & Web Technologies class is kinda redundant.
especially when the 3hour class starts at 7. 7pm.
stupid school.
am i complaining?
still better off then many others out there aye? =/

around this time, a year ago, i was still posting entries, updates, ramblings, etc.. religiously. almost every chance i get, i'd blog. about my ex-es, gfs, family, friends, school. everything.

so look at me now.
no more frequent updates. just another(wasted) hollow space on the www.

business. moneymoneymoney. economics. politics. these are not what i wish for.
i wanna learn about empires, kings, civilizations, history, world wars, ang kor wat, borobudur, egypt, alexender, gengish khan, muhammad, islam, the cradle of life, beginnnings of man, my ancestors, java, majapahit and many more.
probably made a mistake taking lit instead of history for my humans.
made an even bigger mistake dropping a-maths and focusing on art.
oh well.

2032hrs.
class having a 10minute break.
should i go get a snack? or should i stay and continue typing?
hm. decisions... decisions...
i'll go get something.

2045hrs.
i'm back.
this is such a bore.
it's about a month before the end of this semester.
5 choices given. 5 choices made.
human resource. retail and travel. service. customer relations. supply chain and e-business.
i'm hoping to get supply chain.
why? i don't know. guess i don't really know what i want.
so i'm gonna follow my dad's footsteps.
yup.

hey you.
yah. the one reading this entry.
you should get a life man.
seriously.
there's plenty of other stuff to do than to be here.
nothing to see here.
just stupid random, gramatically-incorrect, incoherent ramblings of a ~~young man~~ boy.

2100hrs.
gah.
1 more hour to go.
k. i'll stop here.

bye.

2005-01-20T07:24:00.000+08:00

aye. so how?

i've got a project due today at 12.
but i'm not done.
far from done.

so how?

die die die. -_-.

NYP Open House 19th, 20th and 22nd.

please DON'T come.
no really.
DON'T.
even if you do, please don't get easily impressed by the size of the school or how seemingly fun/happening the school is.

you DON'T wanna be posted to NYP.
at least don't get posted to School of Business Management.

trust me.
ok?
=/

2005-01-19T13:57:00.000+08:00

...but does anyone notice?

but does anyone care?

and if i had the guts..

..to put this to your head

but would anything matter

if you're already dead?

and should i be shot down

by the last thing you said

before i pull this trigger

your eyes' vacant and stained

and in saying you love me

make things harder at best

and these words' changing nothing

as your body remains

and there's no room in this hell

there's no room in the next

and our memories defeat us

and i'll end this dires

but does anyone notice...?

there's a corpse in this bed..

2005-01-17T07:47:00.000+08:00

so here i am again.
stranded at crossroads.
another lonely chapter in my life.

early monday morning. do i have to go to school?
i don't feel like going... nothing to look forward to.

my life has no purpose.
not anymore.

so cliched.
heh.

i hate school.
no. really.
i fucking hate school.
2years to go.
i won't miss it.
i promise.

ok byee. -_-.

2005-01-11T13:05:00.000+08:00

hello again.
kal's still alive.
barely.
okaaay...

La vie en Rose

Hold me close and hold me fast
the magic spell you cast
this is la vie en rose
when you kiss me heaven sighs
and tho I close my eyes
I see La vie en rose.
When you press me to your heart
I'm in a world apart
a world where roses bloom
and when you speak, angels sing from above
everyday words seem to turn into love songs
give your heart and soul to me
and life will always be La vie en rose.

2005-01-05T08:01:00.000+08:00

it's so damn early. and school starts at 9.
i should be getting ready now..
i hate waking up so early.
nose blocks. flu. sinus. sore-eyes.
not a morning person.

it has become apparent that no one visits my blog anymore.
...except for one or two kal's-blog faithfuls.
but nevertheless..
i shall continue posting entries and updates on my oh-so-mundane life.

wonder what tsunami victims are up to..
hmmm.

gah.